i’m sitting here watching a historical event.. feeling still a bit shocked to be seeing it.

last week michael jackson died of cardiac arrest. since his death i have felt devistated. he was such an amazing person, who did so much for music, and for charity… it pains me to know that he is no longer with us.

when i was a kid i would blare michael’s music and dance around the house. i had his tshirts, his records, and even his doll.. all of which i regret are in disrepair…

when he was accused of child molestation, i personally never believed it. and now from what i’ve read online, the kid who accused him is recanting it. i hope its true and that now his name can be cleared, though it would have been nice for that to have happened before the man died. he was a kid. he was not a pedophile. in his mind he was the same as the kids he invited to his home. he wanted them to have happy lives, not awful ones… his life was so horrible as a child, that he just never grew up, and he wanted to give those kids a chance to have some fun in their lives. the people who accused him were looking for money, because they were unfortunately poor. they saw the odd way he acted, how he wanted to be surrounded with kids, and perverted that into a horrible career ruining spectacle which left him marked in the eyes of the media and those who would believe those ridiculous allegations.

was he weird? yes, yes he was.. but in a way he was a martyr for all of us who are weird. just because you don’t meet the criteria for “normal” does not mean that you are not capable of doing something amazing. while i can give no explanation for why he continued to ruin his physical appearance, i know in my heart, he was not a bad person.

michael jackson was a hero to me, and obviously to many… he is the reason i wanted to be a rock star. his thriller video gave me nightmares, but then later on in life, influenced my interest in horror special effects and makeup, which of course, is what i want to do with my life.

watching his funeral i am in tears once more. they just wheeled out the casket to the hearse, i still want to pretend its fake.

sometimes i hope that he is still alive, and just wanting to hide. because he has had such horrible press and so many people have ruined his name. he wanted to hide and i want to believe that maybe this is what he is doing. i don’t want to believe he is dead.

the other day i found captain eo on youtube. it was awesome to finally watch it. i’d always wanted to see it when i was a kid, but when i finally got to disney world, they had replaced it with the stupid hunny i shrunk the kids show. its really bad, but it was done a long time ago, so for its time i guess it is pretty awesome. so i leave you with captain eo while i watch the rest of this.