or at least it feels that way.

yesterday my dad passed away in his bed in the afternoon. he went peacefully and without pain, well no pain for him anyway. we are all in great pain, and loss. i’m still getting over the shock of it all. mom gave me his ipod touch and i was going though the stuff on there, telling myself not to mess with anything because he would get mad when he finds out i was looking at it, and then reminding myself he’s not going to know, or see the ipod every again.

i feel like a vulture, being given all this stuff that was his. his mason ring, his ipod, his computer monitor, his guitar…various books… i feel like these are his things still. his ipod is still full of his music and his apps though i know i’ll use it someday… his monitor will be in my room later, i don’t want to unhook it from the computer just yet. his guitar which i attempted to learn to play as a kid is still in his closet, his ring is on a cord around my neck.

his funeral is wednesday and i know of course that it will be finalized when i see all that. i don’t want to go… i kind of want to just pretend he’s on his way home.

i don’t know what else to say. i guess its all just still too fresh a wound. i know i have to keep on living and doing things and being myself and all that stuff. but i feel like i should stop because why enjoy life at all anymore?

its strange to see the world keep spinning when your own has stopped.