my mom is on her way home from PA, which means this is my last day of being alone here. its been pretty weird honestly. sure i’ve been left alone before and its nothing new but it just seemed strange to be here by myself for more than a few hours.

i’ve done my best to keep the house clean, there’s still some dishes to be washed, but she won’t be home for a while now so i have time to get that taken care of. dorian has been a complete butt yowling at me all day because he wants attention but he wants me to come to him instead of the other way around. damn spoiled cat.

tomorrow is the last day of 2010, as cliché as it sounds, it really does seem like it just started only yesterday. i am hoping 2011 will be a better year for me, and everyone else around me. i really don’t get into resolutions but i do plan to take things more seriously in my day to day, especially my health, mentally and physically.

ok enough blogging, i need to finish dishes!

so the year is ending a bit on a sad note. my grandfather’s funeral is scheduled for monday. i spent my giftmas pretty down and thinking a lot about dad and how things used to be and all this other stuff that obviously made me feel like crap. it snowed for giftmas day, i’m just going to pretend that’s a gift. because i love snow, but i rarely see it here.

i did end up taking home plenty of videogames for giftmas this year. my mother bought me the sims 3 late night expansion pack, i bought myself several games on steam, including burnout paradise and a lego indiana jones game. 3 of my online friends gifted me games during the big steam sale. they sent me the overlord complete series pack, amnesia (which is scary as hell, and that’s coming from some one who isn’t scared easily), and mass effect. i’ve been playing around with all these games here and there. starting to think its time to actually focus on beating something before i go buy more… but that’s probably not going to happen.

i want next year to be better. i want to get better at writing in this blog (i think i said that last year…) i want to get better at designing layers for it also! i want to work on my art again, and get better at that too. i want to figure out where the hell i’m going in life.

i hope that everyone who reads me had a good holiday, what ever you celebrate.

today is the one year anniversary of my father’s death. one year ago i woke up to a blizzard and the word that my father had passed on. he was 59 when he died, and when he left a big part of me died as well. i don’t feel the excitement that used to come with this time of year anymore. in fact i haven’t really felt much of anything this entire year. to add to things, my grandfather passed away yesterday morning.

it seems like, every time i start to get up and get back to feeling even the tiniest bit normal, something comes and runs me over like a truck. none of this is easy for me.

i miss my dad so much, and people keep telling me to get over it and move on but its so hard in my mind. there was so much left unsaid, undone, and so much that i can’t get back.

for a while now i’ve been using delicious.com (aka del.ici.ous) to store some of my bookmarks so i can just keep them on the cloud but not in my browser bookmark folder. mostly i have resources, articles, tutorials, and other stuff in there. but now thanks to yahoo being sucktastic, the site is being closed down. i think this might be the dumbest thing i have ever heard of. i know a lot of people used that site and so i don’t see why they would want to close something like that down.

so now i’m trying to find a new cloud to chuck my bookmarks. one friend has recommended this site: http://www.pearltrees.com but its a tiny bit confusing so i’m not sure if i’ll get the hang of it or not. it is pretty neat though.

do you have any suggestions for a delicious replacement? lemmie know in the comments! extra points if it can upload the html backup i made of my bookmarks from delicious.

i really haven’t had anything to blog about, but i did want to write so people know yes i am still alive. i am trying to do my best to get though december. its obviously not a great time for me and my family. this month will mark one year since dad passed away, my grandfather is probably not far from passing away, and various other family issues are cropping up. how do you cope?? i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do in situations like this. it seems like everything is going wrong at every turn and i feel completely lost.

we haven’t even put up the giftmas tree.

i remember when i was a kid we used to have a big tree with a ton of presents under it. now as a grown-up i have small tree (not put up yet) with no presents under it. i have one present for mom, and she has one present for me. i miss having the money to give presents to my friends and family during the holiday.

i think one of my new years resolutions will be trying to find a job. sure the paid blogging and tweeting has been good for some quick cash but i’d like to have some steady income and that just doesn’t pay the bills for me. i’d still love to find a job that i can do from home. i really should just put myself out there as a graphics designer. i know people making money just being Logo Designers and that’s something i could probably do, after a bit of practice. i’m a little rusty when it comes to graphics design, but i learn fast.

until then the tree will remain a bit bare underneath.

about how it snowed yesterday:

and because mom’s kindle arrived early

but its not happy because later that evening, we got the news that my grandfather (who i’ve always called pap pap since i was a baby) is in his final days. he lives in PA and there is really  no way for us to get up to see him before he goes. the doctors say there’s nothing else they can do (i hate that… i seriously hate that… that’s what they said about my dad too.) and so he’s been sent home with hospice. it hits me like a ton of bricks. its bad enough, my father died last year in december, right before giftmas, but now my grandfather, my mom’s dad, will die this year, in the same month.

i am so sick of death.

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