yesterday i received a care package from a good friend who lives all the way in Australia. i love her packages because they are ALWAYS full of yummy stuff.

i am in timtam heaven… also hello giant jaw breaker! and i’m almost scared to find out what that odd tube of candy is!

she sent me this package well before the stuff with my cat happened, but it really helped put a smile on my face to receive all this yesterday, especially the wonderful card she had enclosed.

it never ceases to amaze me how much kindness can come from someone you have never met in person.

last night i was jolted out of sleep by my cat yowling like he has never before in his life. i thought maybe he had a bad dream or maybe someone stepped on his tail but when i found him, he was staring off into space, and his back legs were limp. my first thought was that somehow he’d broken his back, but i just couldnt’ figure out how he could have. he cried out in pain every time i tried to move him, but there was nothing physical that i could see wrong with him.

i spent the majority of last night trying to find a phone number for an emergency vet office, the local one kept giving me a strange modem noise, and the rest just answering machines. finally i got ahold of a woman in a clinic an hour away, and asked her for advice on the situation. i explained what was going on, and she told me he most likely had a seziure, and i should keep him comfortable and in the dark, as he might be spooked and the light will hurt his eyes because of his dilated pupils.

so i got the cardboard box he liked to lay in, lined it with mom’s snuggie which still faintly smelled like her (he was always laying on it and wanting to cuddle it), i put him in the box and put a sheet over it to keep the light out (as it was nearing dawn by this time). he responded to pets, and chirp-meowed at me softly, leaning his head into my hand as i scritched the sides of his face and the back of his head. i figured he’d nap and he’d be ok enough to weather a vet trip in the morning.

i tried to sleep, but it was only a couple of hours.

at 9am i checked on him and he was breathing, but limp, unresponsive to touch and sound, and just staring off into nowhere. i finally was able to get a ride to the vet, but as we were on our way there, i felt him have another fit. i never ever want to hear those noises again for the rest of my life.

we drove on to the vet, because i didn’t want to check him myself, the vet confirmed what i already knew, he was gone before we got there.

dorian was 9 years old, and he was my miracle cat. when he was born he was very small and very sick, and the vet told me he wouldn’t last a year. he was literally popping himself to death. but i fed him the antibiotics they gave me, and kept him safe and clean, and he lived on to grow up to a huge lion cat that kept me safe instead.

he’s now in the back yard, with his mom, and older siblings who came before him.

another ghost to walk beside me.

i’m tired of losing things.

i was very excited when i first saw that google was starting up a social networking service. i am a bit of a social networking geek *looks at dandyid plugin on sidebar* and i love to sign up for new stuff to try and connect with interesting and like-minded people. so when the google+ beta started i was on it like white on rice. i LOVED the way it was set up and i LOVED how easy it was to use. i felt that it was definitely going to be a “facebook killer” like many of my friends were also saying.

however it seems that google+ is going to be just like facebook, because it does not allow us to use pseudonyms in place of our real world names. for the most part, this only affected my friends who are a part of second life, because they prefer to go by their second life name because it is recognizable to others who use second life, as well as a safe anonymous way to browse the net and use social networking services without being tied to their real life information.

sure, i know, this can breed trolls, anything that allows you to be pseudo anonymous will always breed trolls, but i personally just do not feel its safe to place your real life name on the internet. yes i’ve been stupid in the past when i was younger and my name is probably hovering around out there somewhere like a black cloud that i cannot kill, but i try to maintain a consistent online identity with the name “nimil” to allow me the ability to connect with others but not give out my real name. when things call for me to put down a last name, i usually just use the last name i got in second life.

so far the only places that have said no to this name, are facebook and google+. i locked down my facebook so that only those i want to see me can, and use my real name. i keep it open only to those who i know in real life, or those who i have known online so long that they pretty much already know about me enough to know that information.

since google+ has also stated that private accounts are not allowed, i had no choice but to delete my account with them, to make sure i was not risking losing my gmail account, which is my primary email that i do all business though. my friends who have had their accounts suspended due to using their second life name in place of their real life name, also found that their gmail accounts were suspended for “suspicious activity” until they gave up a mobile phone number to have it reinstated. since i do not have a cellphone, it would be impossible for me to get my account back.

i think its rather depressing that google is going the way facebook went. thankfully there are other sites out there that do not mind users having pseudonyms, like twitter, plurk, and tumblr.

today the mail brought a letter from the medicaid office, saying they want to recover funds they paid for when mom was living. they want information about her assets, which… there really aren’t anymore. but just getting this after all the shit we’ve been dealing with, its just another thing to worry about on top of everything else.

i’m pretty sure there is nothing they can take from us, since the land and home has been legally turned over to us by the state of VA, her vehicle was always in my brother’s name so they can’t really take that either, the money in her bank account was already paid to the funeral home by the probate office, and unless they want the clothes we haven’t goodwilled, she had nothing else.

i’m hoping they can’t say they have legal claim to the house and land since its our only place to live at the moment. i really wish things would just get settled down and let us breathe a bit.

i put in an application a few days ago at the unemployment office for a job at a bread factory, i’m not sure if i can actually work that kind of job, because i’m not really great at going fast or manual labor type stuff, but at the moment i’ll suffer though it for the money. the unemployment office said we cannot call them to check on our applications (my brother also put in for a job there so he can get more money than what he is getting now) so its just going to be a wait and see game.

i wish my mother had taken the time to put things in more order than she did. the chaos we are having to sift though to get things taken care of is just really starting to get to me.

when mom died i took over her kindle and filled it full of the e-books i already had on my computer (i used to read them on my ipod, or sometimes on the desktop using the kindle reader apps available for download) i’ve noticed that using the kindle seems to speed up my reading… i’m not sure why, but i seem to be able to blaze though a book way faster than i do with paper books. perhaps its because i don’t have to sit there holding the book open, sitting at odd angles to try and be comfortable and not have pages flipping around, but something is making me read and i like it!

i’ve become quite hooked on the world of warcraft novels. they give more information and put life to the lore of the videogames which i already love just from the games themselves. its really fun to me to read these books and then play the game and recognize characters or places from the stories.

right now i am reading the shattering, which is a newer world of warcraft novel that brings you up to date on the story post-lich king and into the events that happen during the cataclysm. it makes me feel like a complete videogame nerd writing that lol. i guess i really am if i am reading the novels for it

i am a member of goodreads and i have been posting my progress with reading on there as well as adding a giant list of must read books. if you are a member do feel free to add me, and help pile on some new books for me to check out!

i am so excited that it is almost the 14th! my sister in law and i are following though on our tradition to see the final harry potter on opening night at the midnight showing. we were trying to get tickets to the showing at the big imax theater in the city an hour away but it was unfortunately sold out. so we are going to our local theater which will still have 3d but not as cool as imax. i’m still super excited to be going out. it seems pretty rare these days that i actually get to have some time to enjoy myself outside of my room and away from the computer, so i am really looking forward to it.

yes i am planning to swish a wand at the closing of the movie and say “mischief managed”  like a good little nerd. i know i am going to bawl my eyes out all though the movie because i read the book and i know what’s going to happen… i am a 12 year old trapped in an almost 30 year old body D:

what are your plans for the final harry potter movie?

i want to apologize to my readers for the amount of paid blogging i have been doing, as well as the massive amounts of paid tweeting. i am sure i have lost the majority of my readers due to having mostly that recently but as you can tell, things are just really dire for me and my family at the moment. i am honestly embarrassed that i have to do this sort of work and i find myself feeling like a spam bot sometimes.

beyond advertisement stuff, i haven’t had much to write about lately. what i do inject those links into is a real post, and i do want to make sure that you know that. i am writing about things that are actually happening in my life, just sometimes i add those links in to help me survive.

so please forgive me for my advertisements, and please bare with me while i try to struggle though this time in my life. i am still offering advertisement space on my blog if you are willing to donate to my family’s expenses. 50$ will net you a text link for 1 year, 100$ will net you a banner link for 1 year.

i will try to step up and write more here that isn’t advertising or… boring… i just have to figure out what it is that i want to say.

that glimmer of hope i had? gone. i cannot get a job thanks to the stupid mark on my work record over 4 years ago. yeah i read my email on the work computer, yeah i own up to my stupid mistake. would i do it again? of course not. but i guess now we know why i have been unemployed for almost 5 years now.

i can’t seem to make anything work anymore. i just feel completely broken. i would pretty much take any job right now. even washing medical scrubs like you would find at websites like http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/, or janitorial work. but there just does not seem to be anything here that is hiring, or at least, that will hire me.

i never realized just how hard it would be to find a job…