last night i was jolted out of sleep by my cat yowling like he has never before in his life. i thought maybe he had a bad dream or maybe someone stepped on his tail but when i found him, he was staring off into space, and his back legs were limp. my first thought was that somehow he’d broken his back, but i just couldnt’ figure out how he could have. he cried out in pain every time i tried to move him, but there was nothing physical that i could see wrong with him.

i spent the majority of last night trying to find a phone number for an emergency vet office, the local one kept giving me a strange modem noise, and the rest just answering machines. finally i got ahold of a woman in a clinic an hour away, and asked her for advice on the situation. i explained what was going on, and she told me he most likely had a seziure, and i should keep him comfortable and in the dark, as he might be spooked and the light will hurt his eyes because of his dilated pupils.

so i got the cardboard box he liked to lay in, lined it with mom’s snuggie which still faintly smelled like her (he was always laying on it and wanting to cuddle it), i put him in the box and put a sheet over it to keep the light out (as it was nearing dawn by this time). he responded to pets, and chirp-meowed at me softly, leaning his head into my hand as i scritched the sides of his face and the back of his head. i figured he’d nap and he’d be ok enough to weather a vet trip in the morning.

i tried to sleep, but it was only a couple of hours.

at 9am i checked on him and he was breathing, but limp, unresponsive to touch and sound, and just staring off into nowhere. i finally was able to get a ride to the vet, but as we were on our way there, i felt him have another fit. i never ever want to hear those noises again for the rest of my life.

we drove on to the vet, because i didn’t want to check him myself, the vet confirmed what i already knew, he was gone before we got there.

dorian was 9 years old, and he was my miracle cat. when he was born he was very small and very sick, and the vet told me he wouldn’t last a year. he was literally popping himself to death. but i fed him the antibiotics they gave me, and kept him safe and clean, and he lived on to grow up to a huge lion cat that kept me safe instead.

he’s now in the back yard, with his mom, and older siblings who came before him.

another ghost to walk beside me.

i’m tired of losing things.