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last night i was on facebook chatting with a friend of mine when she asked me if i had heard about my sis-in-law. thinking that she was talking about their attempts at baby making, i was about to say yes, when my facebook page refreshed and i saw a huge announcement from my brother.

it appears that he was very wrong about their ability to make babies, because they are now ALSO having a kid. and its pretty much as far along as mine (maybe even a little more). so now i’m going to be a mother AND an aunt, at the same time O_o

my brother then apologized for the way he acted, and i gave my sis-in-law some of the info i’d dug up in my research.

this is going to be pretty cool!

i don’t want to be annoying and fill up my blog with all this baby talk stuff but to be honestly i haven’t really had much excitement or stuff to talk about in a long time, so i hope this sort of junk doesn’t scare my readers away! though i know some of you ARE mommy bloggers, i’m not sure i’m cut out to really be one. i guess we’ll find out when i’m more than just baby housing.

i’m kinda disappointed in the way my brother has reacted to the announcement that i’m pregnant. he responded to my boyfriend’s facebook announcement with the fact that he and his wife can’t have kids. its understandable to be unhappy about that, but… why would you post that on an announcement like that?? isn’t that something you could at least have mentioned in private instead of blurting it out on what was supposed to be a happy announcement?

besides that, everyone else seems to be accepting and happy about all this. i’m really relieved because for some reason i was stuck in the mindset of a 16 year old me, worried about what my parents are going to say. i’m sure they would not be too happy that i’m not married, but ben and i are 30 and adults, and we’re gonna get married at some point (we were planning that BEFORE we had this happen), so at least we’re not teenagers trying to make it though high school or something.

the mountain of info and reference i’ve been going though has left me in a bit of a panicky state.. i shouldn’t be reading so far ahead on things. just think about right NOW instead of OMG WHEN BABY COMES WHAT DO I DO?? cause that’s still MONTHS away… so i’ve put the info down, and chilled out on it a bit.

one thing i love about living in this day and age is the fact that i have so much information at my fingertips. sure its overwhelming but since i’m stuck here with no clue how to deal with pregnancy stuff, i’m honestly loving the fact that i can hop on a website, or ask a question on twitter, and get back SO MUCH information, and things to research, and ideas! sure that comes in handy for other things too but holy crap there is a ton of stuff out there for mommies-to-be.

one thing we are worrying about is how the heck are we going to afford all this kid stuff, and sure we’ll probably get some stuff from friends and family, but some of the big stuff we’re going to try looking on ebay and other websites to find the stuff we want for less than what it costs at the big name stores. the net is full of people trying to get rid of their old baby stuff and as long as you stay away from stuff like the dealfun.com scam you can find all kinds of low price awesome items online.

and of course there’s all the research i’ve been doing. i’ve learned so much about what to expect over the next few months and some of it is really exciting (some of it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide) and i am honestly really getting antsy to meet hellspawn! i know i need to calm down.. its only 8 weeks old, but still.. i’m starting to get excited

now that the shell shocked coma has worn off me and ben, its back to life as normal as possible. he’s back on the road *whine* and i’m sitting here staring at a mountain of information and baby related stuff. i’ve taken my vitamins (horsepills) for the day and i’m sitting here battling with hellspawn’s little trollface act where it makes me crave something, and then makes me nauseous. not funny kid.

i spent today researching some things. found out my due date with some sort of calculator thing and holy crap i’m already at 8 weeks! that means hellspawn is already… growing body parts and stuff! i’m still starting to come to terms with the fact that i am in fact carrying around another little human being inside me and its weird.

i’ve researched what i should eat, and it looks like i’m doing good with stuff.. thankfully i kicked my caffeine addiction years ago, and i don’t drink or smoke, so i don’t have anything major to give up. i am going to hate not being able to have sushi or half done biscuits for a while but i’ll live without!

the doctor plan is as followed. since we just now found out and i’m already 8 weeks along, we will hopefully be able to get this stuff started fast. i have to go to the health department and pee in a cup for them, and then they’ll give me a letter to go to the government office people with. i’m going to be getting on medicaid because ben wants to get a different job that doesn’t keep him away from me constantly, and so, it would be a bad idea to get on his insurance only to lose it when he stops truck driving. so medicaid is the best choice for me right now, and from what i have heard from friends, its just as reliable.

birth wise.. wow i am not ready to even think about that. i’m doing research, its the part that is horrifying me LOL. i don’t think i am bad ass enough for all this natural child birth pop out your baby in a plastic pool full of water type stuff. i have a feeling i am going to be one of those crying ladies begging for drugs, we’ll see how things go.

along with all this, i also have to some how convince my brain that i am not afraid of driving. not to mention i have to convince myself that i am not afraid of needles… these are the two major scary points (besides the actual birth) that are giving me little panic episodes… learning to drive… and the bloodtests and what not i’ll have to endure. fun times!

i am 30 years old, but sometimes i feel like i am still a teenager. i’m not sure if this is because of the asperger’s, or something else. i just know, that sometimes my mind reacts like a kid instead of a 30 year old. i’m also not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

later this morning i am taking a pregnancy test. i am late, by a lot… like a month or so now… i waited a while before i made this decision because i have the symptoms of pcos and have had those symptoms for years now. my periods sometimes skip out on me, only to reappear with a vengeance later on.

i’m writing this now because i will be busy later and i want to put it down before i forget the thoughts. i am also writing this now because its 5:13 am, ben will be home sometime this morning, and is bringing the ept test with him. i can’t sleep. i am terrified. and i need to pee… but i can’t until he gets here with the test so i can pee on it.

this is one of the scariest things i have done.

i’ve sat here and thought about my parents, and worried that i would be a horrible mother to what ever i bring into this world. no matter how many times i have been reassured this would not be the case, it still haunts me.

i’ve sat here and thought about our situation. its not that great. i don’t know if we can make it good enough for a kid to not be miserable. he’s in a lot of debt. but that’s how a lot of people are in the world right now, and they are still having kids.

i’ve sat here and thought about what my response is going to be if its positive, and what my response is going to be if it is negative. i don’t know which one i should be hoping for.

i’ve sat here and thought about what might be inside me, living, microscopic right now, but what it would become, and will it be happy with its parents.

i’ve wrote to it, even though i don’t know if it even exists yet. i told it things to get it out of my head.

i have that gut instinct that girls have… and it says that this is going to be positive.

i am scared shitless.

—–

and now the results are in, and i am pregnant. this is really weird for me to say. but we’re happy. we wanted this, but its out of order. still, we’re not unhappy.

i dunno.. i have no idea what to say right now. so yeah…

i’m going to be a mom.

i feel so completely bored with the internet. every day i wake up and check my email, then grab some breakfast and read what people have posted on facebook while i was asleep, and poke at all the other social media sites i usually look at.. but then i just sit there bored as a rock until ben wakes up and calls me from the road. and then i proceed to ignore the internet for most of the day and do house wifey things and talk to him on the phone while he drives. nothing online seems to hold my interest anymore in a way i guess its a good thing, as there have been times when the internet took over my life a bit, but i hate that i feel so disconnected from it as well.

not to mention i honestly hate abandoning this blog because i used to love blogging SO MUCH and now its just… meh. i wish i could find my enjoyment of the internet again but not on an obsessive addiction level.

our 2 month anniversary was monday and i forgot to write about it because i was too busy with him being home to really pay attention to anything on the computer. it was a good anniversary for us, and the first one we’ve gotten to celebrate in person since we were teenagers, so that was nice. i wrote him a love letter as a present since i was feeling nostalgic and he made me cheeseburgers. he still owes me a return letter but i’m not holding my breath. its hard to write while out on the road.

ben mentioned to me that i am truly special and i thought he was just being mushy, but he said that most of the girls he’s dated, he’s gotten sick of them by month 2, and he’s not sick of me at all. that, in our world, is the greatest complement he could give. i think that our unique relationship is the reason for that though. the fact that we weren’t new to each other, and we honestly never should have fallen apart.

i don’t want to make my blog full of mush all the time, ugh. its so hard when that’s all you think about. i feel like a teenager. i keep saying that and its true. people kept telling me to grow up, but you know what? i really just needed to revert. i needed to remember what makes me laugh, and what i like to do. fuck growing up, i’m going to be 17 forever.