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last night i was on facebook chatting with a friend of mine when she asked me if i had heard about my sis-in-law. thinking that she was talking about their attempts at baby making, i was about to say yes, when my facebook page refreshed and i saw a huge announcement from my brother.

it appears that he was very wrong about their ability to make babies, because they are now ALSO having a kid. and its pretty much as far along as mine (maybe even a little more). so now i’m going to be a mother AND an aunt, at the same time O_o

my brother then apologized for the way he acted, and i gave my sis-in-law some of the info i’d dug up in my research.

this is going to be pretty cool!

i don’t want to be annoying and fill up my blog with all this baby talk stuff but to be honestly i haven’t really had much excitement or stuff to talk about in a long time, so i hope this sort of junk doesn’t scare my readers away! though i know some of you ARE mommy bloggers, i’m not sure i’m cut out to really be one. i guess we’ll find out when i’m more than just baby housing.

i’m kinda disappointed in the way my brother has reacted to the announcement that i’m pregnant. he responded to my boyfriend’s facebook announcement with the fact that he and his wife can’t have kids. its understandable to be unhappy about that, but… why would you post that on an announcement like that?? isn’t that something you could at least have mentioned in private instead of blurting it out on what was supposed to be a happy announcement?

besides that, everyone else seems to be accepting and happy about all this. i’m really relieved because for some reason i was stuck in the mindset of a 16 year old me, worried about what my parents are going to say. i’m sure they would not be too happy that i’m not married, but ben and i are 30 and adults, and we’re gonna get married at some point (we were planning that BEFORE we had this happen), so at least we’re not teenagers trying to make it though high school or something.

the mountain of info and reference i’ve been going though has left me in a bit of a panicky state.. i shouldn’t be reading so far ahead on things. just think about right NOW instead of OMG WHEN BABY COMES WHAT DO I DO?? cause that’s still MONTHS away… so i’ve put the info down, and chilled out on it a bit.

now that the shell shocked coma has worn off me and ben, its back to life as normal as possible. he’s back on the road *whine* and i’m sitting here staring at a mountain of information and baby related stuff. i’ve taken my vitamins (horsepills) for the day and i’m sitting here battling with hellspawn’s little trollface act where it makes me crave something, and then makes me nauseous. not funny kid.

i spent today researching some things. found out my due date with some sort of calculator thing and holy crap i’m already at 8 weeks! that means hellspawn is already… growing body parts and stuff! i’m still starting to come to terms with the fact that i am in fact carrying around another little human being inside me and its weird.

i’ve researched what i should eat, and it looks like i’m doing good with stuff.. thankfully i kicked my caffeine addiction years ago, and i don’t drink or smoke, so i don’t have anything major to give up. i am going to hate not being able to have sushi or half done biscuits for a while but i’ll live without!

the doctor plan is as followed. since we just now found out and i’m already 8 weeks along, we will hopefully be able to get this stuff started fast. i have to go to the health department and pee in a cup for them, and then they’ll give me a letter to go to the government office people with. i’m going to be getting on medicaid because ben wants to get a different job that doesn’t keep him away from me constantly, and so, it would be a bad idea to get on his insurance only to lose it when he stops truck driving. so medicaid is the best choice for me right now, and from what i have heard from friends, its just as reliable.

birth wise.. wow i am not ready to even think about that. i’m doing research, its the part that is horrifying me LOL. i don’t think i am bad ass enough for all this natural child birth pop out your baby in a plastic pool full of water type stuff. i have a feeling i am going to be one of those crying ladies begging for drugs, we’ll see how things go.

along with all this, i also have to some how convince my brain that i am not afraid of driving. not to mention i have to convince myself that i am not afraid of needles… these are the two major scary points (besides the actual birth) that are giving me little panic episodes… learning to drive… and the bloodtests and what not i’ll have to endure. fun times!

i am 30 years old, but sometimes i feel like i am still a teenager. i’m not sure if this is because of the asperger’s, or something else. i just know, that sometimes my mind reacts like a kid instead of a 30 year old. i’m also not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

later this morning i am taking a pregnancy test. i am late, by a lot… like a month or so now… i waited a while before i made this decision because i have the symptoms of pcos and have had those symptoms for years now. my periods sometimes skip out on me, only to reappear with a vengeance later on.

i’m writing this now because i will be busy later and i want to put it down before i forget the thoughts. i am also writing this now because its 5:13 am, ben will be home sometime this morning, and is bringing the ept test with him. i can’t sleep. i am terrified. and i need to pee… but i can’t until he gets here with the test so i can pee on it.

this is one of the scariest things i have done.

i’ve sat here and thought about my parents, and worried that i would be a horrible mother to what ever i bring into this world. no matter how many times i have been reassured this would not be the case, it still haunts me.

i’ve sat here and thought about our situation. its not that great. i don’t know if we can make it good enough for a kid to not be miserable. he’s in a lot of debt. but that’s how a lot of people are in the world right now, and they are still having kids.

i’ve sat here and thought about what my response is going to be if its positive, and what my response is going to be if it is negative. i don’t know which one i should be hoping for.

i’ve sat here and thought about what might be inside me, living, microscopic right now, but what it would become, and will it be happy with its parents.

i’ve wrote to it, even though i don’t know if it even exists yet. i told it things to get it out of my head.

i have that gut instinct that girls have… and it says that this is going to be positive.

i am scared shitless.

—–

and now the results are in, and i am pregnant. this is really weird for me to say. but we’re happy. we wanted this, but its out of order. still, we’re not unhappy.

i dunno.. i have no idea what to say right now. so yeah…

i’m going to be a mom.

i feel so completely bored with the internet. every day i wake up and check my email, then grab some breakfast and read what people have posted on facebook while i was asleep, and poke at all the other social media sites i usually look at.. but then i just sit there bored as a rock until ben wakes up and calls me from the road. and then i proceed to ignore the internet for most of the day and do house wifey things and talk to him on the phone while he drives. nothing online seems to hold my interest anymore in a way i guess its a good thing, as there have been times when the internet took over my life a bit, but i hate that i feel so disconnected from it as well.

not to mention i honestly hate abandoning this blog because i used to love blogging SO MUCH and now its just… meh. i wish i could find my enjoyment of the internet again but not on an obsessive addiction level.

our 2 month anniversary was monday and i forgot to write about it because i was too busy with him being home to really pay attention to anything on the computer. it was a good anniversary for us, and the first one we’ve gotten to celebrate in person since we were teenagers, so that was nice. i wrote him a love letter as a present since i was feeling nostalgic and he made me cheeseburgers. he still owes me a return letter but i’m not holding my breath. its hard to write while out on the road.

ben mentioned to me that i am truly special and i thought he was just being mushy, but he said that most of the girls he’s dated, he’s gotten sick of them by month 2, and he’s not sick of me at all. that, in our world, is the greatest complement he could give. i think that our unique relationship is the reason for that though. the fact that we weren’t new to each other, and we honestly never should have fallen apart.

i don’t want to make my blog full of mush all the time, ugh. its so hard when that’s all you think about. i feel like a teenager. i keep saying that and its true. people kept telling me to grow up, but you know what? i really just needed to revert. i needed to remember what makes me laugh, and what i like to do. fuck growing up, i’m going to be 17 forever.

so today is the last day of 2011 and i have spent a while reflecting on some of the major points of the past year and how much life has changed since january. its been a rollercoaster for me, just like the last few years, but i think possibly this year the coaster finally came to a stop and let me off.

so here is a recap of what this year has brought me, shown me, and taught me:

in may my mother suddenly passed away. it was a shock but in a way it also kicked me in the ass, that hey i am not getting any younger, and i need to start paying attention to the world around me, not just what is displayed in front of me on a monitor.

in june another death, my cat had seizures and died. he might have been saved if my brother hadn’t been cruel and refused to let my sister in law take me to the animal hospital. i lost the last thing i was clinging to in that house.

in august, i turned 30. when i was a teenager i never really expected to live this long. hell i don’t think i expected to make it to being 20, let alone 30.

the end of october came about the decision that we could no longer live in our family home. there were no jobs available where we lived that we could find, and so we moved up to the mountains with a family friend and her family. it wasn’t the best idea, and it didn’t really last that long.

the drive up to this new home brought about the biggest change in my life to date. i found my heart again. after 4 years of waiting on someone who was never going to show up, i decided to give ben another chance and see where it would take us. november 2nd we officially became a couple again after 12 years apart.

so much has changed, lots of bad stuff happened, but in the end i think some things changed for the better. i have high hopes that 2012 is going to be a good year. and hopefully all the years after that will be awesome.

as for tonight, its going to be a quiet celebration. ben’s stuck in a truck and i won’t see him again until tomorrow night, so we’ll probably spend new years eve on a phone while i wander around second life aimlessly with my friends.

what are you doing for new years eve?

phew, its about time i wrote something about the holidays. ben was here from the 20th to just a few hours ago (he left for work somewhere around 11 something). i’m a bit lonely without him here… got kind of used to him being around every day. now we have to go back to the crappy 2 days a week thing *insert oversized pouty face here*

our holiday week was awesome and i really got a chance to see just how much he’s changed since we were kids.

he took me to visit my parent’s graves, and stood there holding me while i tried (and failed) not to be emotional. then he took me to red lobster which i haven’t been to in a long time, and we stuffed our faces full of unhealthy deep fried fish. then he took me to the mall so he could try to figure out something for me for my presents, cause i honestly couldn’t think of anything i wanted. we went into hot topic and i just felt so fucking OLD… and fat… ugh.. why do all the cool clothes only come in size zero? and since when is justin bieber appropriate for hot topic?? we also went to spencer’s which was fun and i was pretty surprised that they now have a wall full of adult toys just right out there in the open.

we stopped at a photo booth and took some goofy photos. this is my fave of the 4 on the little photo strip.

unfortunately we don’t have a scanner so this is a bad photo of a photo but we look cute and we were laughing our ass off the whole time.

we failed at getting presents at the mall so we went to barnes and noble where i got this amazing apple caramel coffee thing that tasted like liquid pie, and we found a cool witch book for his mom. then we picked up the bunny suicide books, and he got another zombie survival manual. this one is about combat. yes we are prepared for the zombie apocalypse. then we went to target, where we found a cool vincent price dvd set. we then tried to find a naughty store but it was closed, and we decided we were too tired to go on. so we went home, read books, ate left overs, and fell asleep watching movies.

a couple of days later we went down to my family’s home and rummaged though boxes of stuff in the storage shed. i found all my old vhs tapes, music cassettes, cds, books, and the thing i was looking for…

all the old mushy teenage letters ben wrote to me when we were in high school. they embarrass him to look at now, because he wrote them back when he was a dorky 15-17 year old but i think they are adorable, and its nice to be able to read them without getting upset and thinking about bad things that happened. we’re still dorks, but he is much better at writing mushy love letters.

xmas eve we visited his mom, gave her the book we found and she loved it. she made awesome dinner and gave us some nice presents. i got a fluffy bathrobe and fluffy pants and some other cool stuff. then ben took silly photos of us while we sat on the couch. i’ll spare you the majority of them, but here’s my two faves that i put on facebook:

yeah i know we are cute and its gross…

xmas morning we woke up and ben told me i had presents.. which he must have bought before he came home from work, because we never got anything while we were out! he handed me a sims 3 expansion pack (world adventures) and i was all happy that he paid attention to my rambling about videogames i liked… then i went to sit down on the couch and he told me to watch out cause i might sit on something, so i looked around and he’d bought me another expansion pack (pets) and half hid it in the blanket on my side of the couch.

the rest of the week was filled with us being lazy, and watching a lot of movies, and other stuff that i’m not going to talk about on my blog

so now after being spoiled on having him around all the time i’ve had to let him go back to work, and i know this week is going to be hard on both of us after all that. we’re not going to get to spend new years eve together which sucks, but he should be home on our two month anniversary at least, which will be nice.

i guess i should get some rest before he calls to wake me up!