its a week until xmas and i have been having such a wonderful time in real life that i’ve neglected this blog, but i wanted to write and say happy holidays to all my readers and friends who have stuck with this blog for so long!

i have received some awesome cards over the last couple of weeks and i’m pretty sure there are more on the way

i put them on the mantle of the fireplace we don’t really use so it would be more xmas-y. we still need to decorate for the holidays but that’s unfortunately going to have to wait until he gets home from his run before we can grab the tree from his mom’s and grab my ornaments from the trailer. i’ll have pictures of that when we finally get it done.

my holiday plans are kinda boring i guess you could say, but for me they will be nice. its my first year without either parent for xmas and its going to be kinda sad. especially since dad died on the 20th and i still get really sad the week of xmas. we are going to go visit their graves on the 20th if possible, and then maybe some dinner and a little mall shopping. i’ve already gotten most of my presents, since he’s a bit of an addict with online shopping lol. mostly dvds, but also my motel hell shirt! and of course…well… he is the best xmas present i could have ever asked for

so that’s what’s going on in my little world. i’m still stuck on a layout for this place. i dread using a pre-made one but i have a bad feeling that’s what its going to come to :/ my creativity is on hold.

so today marks 1 month since i decided to step out of my little cave and walk the path i was meant to walk.

its been an adventure… learning how to function in a “normal” relationship where there is a person there next to you in bed, or sitting with you on the couch… i am overwhelmed with this ridiculous happiness that has left me looking like a psych ward patient.

since making this decision, and moving here, i’ve felt slightly more grown up. my stress has totally lifted off my shoulders. i don’t feel sick or sad like i had been for so very long… and every time he’s around fear just completely dissolves… i might even be able to learn how to drive eventually if this keeps up!

true happiness really is a wonderful feeling… and i feel so lucky to have a chance to feel it again.

i know i keep saying i’m going to blog and then i don’t… i’ve been caught up in the real world away from the computer so its been a bit tough to stop myself and sit down at the computer to write an update on life.

things have been good so far with the exception of stupid people bugging us, but i’m not going to waste my time writing about those people. i’ve been running around being a little domestic goddess cleaning up the man cave and making it fit for human life. we have a floor! ok i’m kidding. he isn’t slobby.. just hard for a truck driver to come home and clean up his mess when he only gets a couple days off.

we’ve been hanging out with old friends and all that good non-internet people stuff that real people do. i hate when he has to go back out on the road.. wish i could just sleep until he comes back home

giftmas is coming soon and i’m going to go back down to the trailer and try to salvage our xmas ornaments so i can decorate a tree and if all goes as planned, he’ll be able to take off for giftmas which will be nice, since its really a very touchy time for me since dad died. it’ll be nice to have someone there for it for once…

but anyway that’s an update for those of you who have been curious.

well this has been an interesting couple of weeks.

at the end of october i moved with my brother and sister in law to a new town that was even more out in the boonies than where i lived before. the closest store was 1 hour away! while i am thankful that these family friends took us in when we were in need, it was not the best situation.

on top of that, i had recently started speaking to someone i hadn’t spoken to in a long time. an ex-boyfriend who’d left me pretty much emotionally broken for the rest of my teen years and on into adulthood. i dreaded talking to him at first because i knew i would still feel something, and yes of course i did. but something amazing had come out of the time we had been apart. he grew up, and i guess i did too a little, he hated how things happened when we were teenagers and it kind of made me realize that i’d been spending most of my life trying to find him again.

of course i was still dating lucas, though at this point, looking back on things… dating is a really pathetic term for waiting almost 5 years to meet someone you met on the internet. i left him, which was the scariest thing i’ve done in a long time. as per his usual attitude, i got accused of all kinds of shit, and called a whore. that pretty much killed any sadness i had about the end of our relationship.

so now i have this guy who i’ve dated before, and now i’m dating him again. i don’t give second chances, especially to people who did what he did, so this shit is weird. i feel like we just unpaused a videotape from 1997 and started up again, except we clipped off the bad part. we have similar personalities, senses of humor, and movie tastes.

since i was now living 3 hours away from him, he talked me into living in his home. he’s a trucker so he’s only home 1 or 2 days a week, which, while i miss him terribly right now (he’s on the road while i write this) its kinda comfortable because i’ve spent so much time by myself for the past 4 years. i am thankful for those days i get to see him however, because i did really miss human contact after all this time. there is nothing better in this world than a big hug and a kiss from someone who loves you. but anyway, i’m living with him now, actually just moved in a couple of days ago. i’m cleaning his man cave while he’s gone

i’m sure my actions seem stupid to some, rash perhaps, i have no clue nor do i care. i am 30 years old and i wasted a few years curled up in a little ball in my bedroom. i feel amazing now. the stress shit i was dealing with before is gone. i’m smiling all the time instead of once in a while when someone manages to make me laugh. and holy fuck i’m laughing like the god damn joker because i have someone i can pick on and joke with who actually gets my jokes and knows when i am picking and picks back. its an amazing feeling to be so compatible with someone and i have been lucky to have this compatibility twice now… and this time i’m not letting go.

i know this is just the happy times before we start getting annoyed with each other, but i think this time around we can probably manage to make it though. unlike what i was dealing with while dating lucas, he’s not ridiculously illogical about everything.

i don’t have to worry about what i say, or who i talk to. i’m not going to get a lecture for writing a blog about him, i’m not going to get a stern talking to for hanging out with people i like on second life. no one is going to bitch when i spend a couple hours 2 nights a week playing world of warcraft with my guild.

i am finally free. i am finally myself again…

and the best part of all, he’s real and i can see him and i know he exists besides just a voice on a phone…

today would have been my father’s 61st birthday. this is the first year i’ve had neither parent around for their birthdays (my mom’s is on the 25th of this month) and it feels kinda weird. i still miss him so much and i wish he could have stayed with us longer than he did.

i didn’t want to be a downer on my blog, but i did want to mark his birthday a bit.

my brother has set our official moving date for october 25th, though my moving date won’t be until the 28th or 29th since i having wait on someone with a truck to get my bed and desk moved.

i’ve started sorting through my stuff, trying to figure out what i absolutely need to take, and what can stay here for who knows how long. obviously my computer will be coming with me, as well as my tv, and videogame consoles. my movies, and videogames are already packed in a box. my clothes still need to be sorted though and tossed into trash bags (yay for lack of boxes).

hopefully moving day will go smoothly, and hopefully i’ll be back online in no time.

i know, i know.. i’ve failed hard at blogging. things have been bad, but hopefully they will be better soon, and when things get better i will resuscitate this blog once more and actually try to write once in a while.

blogging revamp will hopefully include:

• more daily writing, if not daily than at least more than once a month.
• more blogging about videogames! i find that i really enjoy them and i think i should write about stuff i enjoy instead of just collecting junk on my computer and never saying anything about it.
• more… LIFE. hopefully if all goes well and i get a job, i won’t be huddled in a tiny room all the time doing absolutely nothing worth blogging about.
• new blog theme.. as this one is very much past the expiration date.

and yes things are going to get better, because in a week or so, we are moving out of this shit hole, and into a nice place with a family friend who has so kindly offered us a place to stay and get back on our feet. it will be a big life improvement and hopefully we’ll be able to find jobs and save up some money to live again instead of this scraping we’ve been doing for so long.

i have high hopes and i’m going to attempt to stay optimistic about things, so lets hope everything works out for the best!

so when i last wrote, i was waiting on a phone call from *big retail store*. well that phone call has still not come but i am crossing fingers and hoping that it will soon. the situation here is not good money-wise and our home is literally falling to pieces. we cannot fix anything, or really clean anything, because we cannot buy anything to do so. our vacuum does not work, we don’t have money for garbage bags or cleaning products… its just getting ridiculous. i am at my wits end trying to figure out what the hell to do.

i’m really not sure how much longer we will have the internet. my brother is doing temp work at factories and he isn’t getting much work from that. my sis in law is a waitress so she doesn’t make that much money. my only job at the moment is writing paid blogs and tweets, and those who do that know that’s not very stable either… and if the internet goes poof, then there goes my only way to make cash.

i’ve had this donate button on the sidebar since may… not one person has graced it with even a dollar. i know, i shouldn’t expect much, because i am not “known” to people, but i kinda feel like crap about that. i wish i could find people here in the real world, off of the internet, who could help us fix our home, give us a vacuum or something that would assist us in not living in the mess we are in now. the lady next door told us months ago that she would speak to someone who could arrange a benefit for us to raise money for stuff, but here it is almost september and she has said nothing about it.

i want a job… i am so sick of waiting on these phone calls and the rejection… it should not be this hard to find a job.